Well, I’m signed up. Let the self-doubting begin!

I’m seriously interested in wildfire, I’m seriously considering it. The only things that I have doubts about are using chainsaws and how much my body can handle. I can eat protein bars for two weeks straight, sure. I can eat off of a truck (Jared and I had a chuckle over that one). I can wear the same clothes and not shower for two weeks. I can be in the heat, I can deal with the monotony of digging ditches for miles every day.

What worries me is that I am far weaker than I think I am. I know I haven’t gone on a run in a while. I haven’t worked out in at least a week. For as long as I’ve tried to be healthy and be fit, my upper body strength has never matched the rest of my body. In signing up for this opportunity and competing for a spot, I really feel like I have something on the line. Now I have to prove something. To who? I don’t know. To the people I’ve met? Well, I don’t know that it would affect their impressions of me; I’d hope that it wouldn’t, but in my mind I know I’d worry that it would. To myself? …I’m struggling over this question: Would I be disappointed with myself if I didn’t make it? I really don’t know the answer to that.

They said that personality counts, that the interviews mean something when they choose members for the wildfire teams. That’s great, I’m sure I can make a good impression. But I don’t want to be the person who got in on personality. I don’t want to be the weak member of the team, I do not want to hold back the team. And I think that there’s also this part of me that really just doesn’t want to be the weak girl.. I would really just find that humiliating.

I’m going to work out tomorrow. If I have to run outside, so be it. But I need to see what the thin air will do to me. Now, back in ’04 when I was here for DCI Championships, it didn’t do much at all. I didn’t get headaches, I wasn’t gasping for air, I wasn’t dehydrated. And we started with full rehearsal days as soon as we got there. The only thing I noticed was that I felt more tired than usual at the end of the day. So I’ll see where I stand tomorrow, I’m going to try and use the gym after dinner but before it closes, so that would be enough time for an hour-long run. Hopefully, I can do that two, three times before Sunday. I know that this athletic “cram session” isn’t going to do anything significant. But I would imagine that it’s better than just doing the baseline test cold. I say this, of course, with no evidence to support such suspicions.

As always, we’ll see what happens.